Have you had the dreadful feeling that you had sold your soul to the hospital? Sometimes after saying yes to overtime for example? Hands down here, 100% guilty nurse. Doing overtime galore, taking extra shifts because the Unit is down staff, doing long hours on Christmas Eve whilst kids were home alone. And crying before work… “why did I say yes to this?”
As healthcare professionals, it seems many of us learn about boundaries the hard way. Let’s be clear, boundaries setting is not just saying NO to what you don’t want. It’s also making conscious choices, making space and time for what we prioritize in our life. Things like family, mental wellbeing days, or working on a personal project. Those things don’t often have a monetary value, but in the scheme of life, they are what matters most.
To our children, our time and presence have a actual value. To our mother or cousin in hospital, our Sunday visit is uplifting, and there will be a rare occasion when it will be the last visit.
About guilt
For some clinicians, it is very hard to say no to overtime. There is a guilt factor looming, as we have been trained to work as a team. Somehow we call it dedication, with the motivation or desire to not let anybody down. Though we must understand we are not actually essential (if we suddenly became I'll or passed away, we would be replaced). Moreover, staff shortages are not our responsibility (unless you are the Unit Manager).
Not having clear boundaries with the workplace leads to resentment and compassion fatigue, if ignored for long periods of time. Let's explore how we must become aware of our boundaries for our own sake and wellness.
3-Steps to Grow Healthier Boundaries as Clinicians
Step 1: Glimmers and Downtime
When we are putting ourselves last, we often leave the essential joy-giving things fall behind. It is a fallacy that we will get time to to them "after all the work is done". Part of the journey to finding ourselves again and beating the overwhelm, is first noticing glimmers. This means becoming aware of what and who brings us joy. Additionally, blocking days off for ourselves, making space for what brings us joy or peace of mind, is another key to have better boundaries. Does this sound selfish to you? Ask yourself why this makes you cringe... How can we possibly serve our patients with empathy and heart if we are not replenished in our body, nourished in our soul, or even getting enough sleep?
When we make conscious choices every week, every day, to keep prioritizing glimmers, clarity, joy and peace, we choose us. By doing this, we understand where boundaries live, where or when we do not respect ourselves.
Activity: Sparks
What are things that brings spark into your life? What are the special mini-moments that add glimmer to an ordinary day? Did you notice those spring flowers, or that amazing sunset yesterday? Is it spending some cuddle time with your children, partner or a pet? Reflect on when or what makes your heart sing and beam. Is it when you are creating art, photography, or practicing a certain sport? Is it listening to live music, dancing, or cooking up a new recipe at home?
Observe: what glimmers have you noticed today? Try making a list of 10 simple items, people, moments that sparked your soul or that made you smile. You may continue with another 5-10 things that you haven't done in a while that might require more organisation (like booking an activity).
Take it one step further: Explore how you could make time for one very special glimmer this week, like visit an art gallery, or just book a catch-up with friends.
Step 2: Mindset Work
Do you want to know one of the biggest mindset challenge? We must uncover, as root cause, why we feel guilty for saying no to the workplace. Try working with a coach, a counselor, a trusted friend. Who said we must work this hard? Who said we should miss a school concert of our 6 year old, or a family event, in order to take a extra shift at the hospital? Try to think; in the end, what will matter most? It’s ok to say Yes to yourself. Not selfish at all. In psychology, we try to uncover what made us believe certain beliefs, subconscious old stories and patterns, to uncover why we behave certain ways. Such as an inability to say no, or the belief we must work hard to belong to our team. Becoming aware of patterns can help us make clearer decisions in our daily lives.
It's up to us to do the work and heal.
Step 3: Build more Resilience
As we discussed, Boundaries means saying yes to what we prioritize; it means learning to say no to what's not aligned with us.
We build a sense of safety (nothing bad will happen if I say no!) and connect to what makes us flourish. We start building our resilience muscle: we develop an awareness of our racing thoughts, intense emotions, without going into panic mode. We learn to tolerate those, and feel safer in our bodies at the same time. We grow a new state of peace of mind, without shame, guilt or resentment.
Activity: Train your brain into mindfulness and meditation
At first you will want to quit. This means you need it! We use meditation and mindfulness to learn to be more present, ground ourselves, reset our spinning mind when life is intense. We notice the thoughts and emotions, then we let them go. We focus on breathing, which helps to activate our ventral vagus nerve and regulates our nervous system. We suggest to start by downloading your FREE Pocket of Peace reset meditation audio, right here on the Blog. Try it after a big shift at work, or before bedtime. Try meditation more than once too, because the more you practice the longer you'll be able to stay in the zone.
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